“But most people who act as if they don’t need emotional connection desperately ache for it. Because of painful life experiences or personality difficulties, they’ve become emotionally isolated.”
—Randi Gunther, Ph.D., Psychology Today (November 15, 2021)
VIM Executive Coaching has long noted that the separation of the work and personal lives of most executives has dissolved. We suppose it is an unfortunate reflection of many post-pandemic lifestyles. Emotional wellness is often at risk in both work and play when emotional connection becomes battered by stressors and avoidance of self-care.
It is not our intention to jump into the “100% remote versus the hybrid versus full-time back in office” debate. Nevertheless, we do strongly feel that in an age when so many executive leaders report that they feel they have become increasingly isolated, we understand a larger problem is afoot.
The experts tell us that executives who feel isolated and need no one, has become its own mini-pandemic.
Avoidance is serious
According to an article on executive isolation in The Influence Journal (April 7, 2025), executives who isolate and claim to need no one and no support, share some or all the following characteristics:
- They avoid feedback even if it is offered in a spirit of kindness or support
- They overcompensate by working long hours or over-perfection, etc.
- They are people who emotionally withhold and shut down.
- In general, they have disproportionate responses to even the smallest triggers.
- They avoid anyone who is closest to helping them solve the problems.
Examining these behaviors in the twin lights of mindfulness and authenticity, it is easy to see how damaging isolation can be to the organization, co-workers above and below the executive and obviously, to the executives themselves.
Executive leaders who typically behave in this fashion are often seen as shame-filled. They may be the last to admit it. “Shame” fills their days and to compensate for how they feel about themselves, they push most everyone away. It may sound somewhat oxymoronic but rather than reaching out and connecting, they try to cure their sense of isolation by isolating. We talked of a continual blurring of work and personal lives above, so it is not unusual that the same isolating emotions that constrict someone’s performance “in the office,” will spill over into meetings, conventions, trade shows, vendors and often to the home environment.
Avoidance is infectious. The more an executive leader avoids, the more avoidance behaviors become reinforced.
More than Imposters
Guilt and shame, though too frequently lumped together are not the same and are not interchangeable. Guilt falls in the territory of self-blame and responsibility (“I messed up that situation badly.”) Guilt can rapidly devolve into a feeling the executive has of, “I shouldn’t be here, I’m a failure, an imposter, a fake who does not deserve the job.”
Shame is deeper seated, where the executive feels overly embarrassed by mistakes, thoroughly disgraced and dishonored. Shame is reserved for egregious behaviors ranging from bribery to fraud to bullying.
Unfortunately, unless the executive has really done something worthy of disgrace, they should be given the grace of being viewed only as being “guilty,” and not as being shameful human beings. This is where mindfulness awareness and the cultivation of greater authenticity come into play.
We might add with compassion that colleagues who “pile-on” an executive who has made mistakes and do their best to convert those mistakes to shame, are not colleagues at all. They are equally, if not more culpable of exacerbating the situation rather than helping it reconcile.
A coach who guides a client toward greater mindfulness should compassionately and safely create an atmosphere of being able to identify and tag the actions that led to the executive’s guilt over mistakes and help to repair the negative feelings.
There is no human being reading this post who has not committed mistakes. Mistakes are a learning experience not a sentence worthy of isolation and further pain.