“There isn’t a precise moment when it happens. It’s a gradual fading away, like a bright painting in a sunny living room that becomes more muted over time…”
— Mikki Bramer, Excerpt, Good Joy, Bad Joy
At VIM Executive Coaching, we often encounter career coaching clients who perceive that in their workplaces no one ever hears them, no one listens. This “situation” is becoming more common across the U.S., and experts agree it needs to be remedied.
In addition to “workplace issues” in regard to not feeling heard, there is a whole background of societal issues percolating before people even arrive at the in-person or remote situation. This has become a distracted society, an angry society, a social media society, and dare we suggest, a society where honest communication has taken a back seat to digital scheduling and a lack of relationship building.
While career coaching is (obviously) focused on what someone does for a living over the course of their lives, there is a tremendous blurring of work health and personal health. Minimally, not being heard at a job can only lead to loneliness and depression. Humans are social creatures and need feedback, positivity, and a sense of being a part of something.
The Separation
It would be one thing to believe “not being heard” is applicable to only one situation, one job, one office, etc. If a “one-off” situation were the case, our job as career coaches would be relatively easy. In fact, we understand that due to those societal pressures mentioned above, the potential for not being heard in yet another work situation is unfortunately good. In working with clients, our objective is to ensure it won’t happen again. “Separation” is easy; striving to be heard, understood and appreciated is a skillset and need.
Want to be better heard and “understood?” Here are 7 tips for improving chances for others to listen to what you have to say.
- Center yourself. Whether the meeting (and the word is being used in its broadest application) is with peers, subordinates or supervisors, be mindful. Stop reacting and allow yourself the full indulgence of a response.
- Bad day? Charging into meetings with the extra baggage of emotions is a problem, especially if it is done on a constant basis and most especially if emotions are of a personal nature. Once in a while sharing is human (when appropriate), however, a constant barrage will drive others away.
- Have something to contribute. This should seem apparent, but surprisingly, some who claim they are not listened to were at one time included, but were then excluded because they would insist on random meetings or conversations that were not much more than time-wasters or personal boredom busters. In a serious meeting as opposed to a social situation, what would you like to say? Can a minor point be expressed/made through another avenue?
- Does anyone care? To be listened to also implies being a good listener. Those around the meeting table also want to be included, and might feel isolated or neglected. Engagement is important. Ask questions, be mindfully curious, make a connection before trying to drive home a point.
- Active listening is a skill, not a meme. When those in a meeting are encouraged to speak, they are more inclined to listen. The term “active listening” has almost become a self-fulfilling parody. If “the listener” is on their cell phone and computer and simultaneously scrolling through TikTok, slow down and encourage their exchange.
- Know your audience. If some around you “hear you” and others hear no one, it is much more useful to protect yourself by establishing guardrails. Protect yourself, not by isolation but active engagement with those who care.
- It may not be you at all. This is a more difficult thing to gauge, but if after a period of trying to be listened to, and heard, there is a systemic failure to be listened to and appreciated, it may be a problem that can’t be easily solved. The shame in this is that if an organization has a widespread communication problem, the organization suffers as a whole.
Ultimately, all points lead to mindfulness and authenticity in communication. Listening and hearing are skills that must be refined over time. There is no doubt that the more such skills are practiced, the better they become.